Gutter Toad Gutter Love

Disclaimer: We own nothing.  X-Men is copyright…whoever owns them…WHO IS NOT US!  (Note: “Pecs of melon and knees of fringe” is copyright LinkandLuigi.)

Author’s Note: We are definitely mocking this.  This fic was written with the help of a fellow Toad/Kurt lover…she wishes.

                                     Gutter Toad, Gutter Love

Chapter 1: Sewer in the Night
“Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning?”  Storm’s stony face had hardened against Toad’s obvious panic.  “The same thing that happens to everything else.”  The lightning bolt cut down on Toad’s airhead-like tongue, sending millions of volts of untapped pain through his tongue, down his spine, and back up to circle around his brain.  He never felt his tongue release the metal pole, nor did he feel himself smashing into the iron wall of water below.  The last physical sensation the Toad could recall was the intense pain that spread like wildfire throughout his nervous system.

Now there was nothing.  The Toad had been hanging in a mental and physical purgatory for over a year.  The New York sewer system had oddly enough treated him kindly.  His skin had not wrinkled, only paled sexily.  His green hair darkened sexily.  And his pecs of melon and knees of fringe remained intact (sexily.)  It’s a wonder that he didn’t bloat like a cracker immersed in clam chowder.  But that’s not sexy, so that can’t happen because Toad is sexy.  Sewer slime had formed a sheer casing for the Toad that preserved his sexy self without making him slimy.  Sadly, the slime failed to heal the massive burn wounds on his tongue, back, and other appendages.
It was strange that nobody had noticed the sexy Toad floating about underneath New York City, especially Professor Xavier.  Maybe that is because Toad was in a coma.  That and the fact that Professor Xavier was too busy mourning over Jean’s recent “demise.”
Professor Xavier’s preoccupation had prevented him from noticing Kurt’s shaky control over his teleportation ability.  Kurt had been ending up in random rooms for weeks now, and never knew why.  The girls’ basketball team was becoming annoyed at finding the sexy blue elf in their opponents’ basket every time they were about to score.  No pun intended, you pervs.
Midnight proved silent in the Xavier Institute.  The only ones awake were Kurt and that annoying bug-eyed kid who doesn’t sleep.  What the hell kind of power is that, anyway?  Kurt, on the other hand, was sexy and trying to master his teleportation ability for the umpteenth time that night.  The history room was dark and quiet, save for Kurt’s heavy breathing, German swears, stumbling steps, and loud bamf-ing sounds.  In short, the room was insanely loud and very stinky with the smell of sexy sulfur.
       A light flickered on, and Kurt surveyed the damage the poor history room had suffered.  “Mien gott…” Kurt muttered.  “Maybe I should take my practice somewhere else…” With that, Kurt vanished.
Although the streets of New York were alive with light and sound, the alleyways were dead.  Dead dead dead.  Hollow little walnut shells of death they were, and Kurt found himself in one.  His fierce yellow eyes scanned the dead alley he had found himself in.  There was not a living being except himself, save for the little bug crawling on the wall but it’s pointless so we ignore it.  Seeing that the coast was clear (since the bug wasn’t about to report Kurt to the police anytime soon), Kurt disappeared again.
      The next place the teleporter found himself wasn’t nearly as dry.  The New York Sewer System was dark and damp, reeking of stagnant filth.  Kurt’s nose wrinkled sexily in disgust as a dead fish floated by his two-toed feet.  He backed up until his back pressed into the metal pipe “walls” of the sewer, and stared as the rotten remains of unidentifiable animals floated by.  Animals like a sexy toad mutant encased in slime like a sexy mummy of goo.  Wait!  Sexy toad mutant?  We found Toad!  Kurt, of course, did not know Toad because they were from different movies.  Though Kurt did not recognize Toad, he still felt worldly compassion for this sexy creature with 3rd degree burns on his tongue, back, and other extremities.  He had to heal this sexy creature, now if not sooner.  Much sooner.  Kurt’s thin tail slipped through the thin goo casing and wrapped around Toad’s scorched wrist.  The two disappeared, leaving the goo casing behind them.